Lost…

Iv always known I was different, the painfully shy child growing up, awkward, not knowing how to talk to people. My dad would say I was rude and tell me off, tell my mum I was difficult, but he had no idea how much it hurt, how hard it actually was.

I made a handful of friends growing up through school, as you do, although I’m not sure how, I think it was mostly because my mum knew their parents so we became friends, but in high school It was still hard. This is not for sympathy, I genuinely do not know how to make friends, even now??

That brings me to why I’m writing this in the first place…it woke me up, a dream that has been playing in my head all night…I have a handful of ‘friends’, said friends that I made when I was young, but iv never felt so lonely, so unwanted as I have done in the last year. Iv always been the “outspoken” friend the one who tells it how it is, so I get it, I can be difficult at times. I was worse when I was younger but since iv had kids and been with my current partner, I know I’m different. Iv grown, iv changed, I’m happy. I have no one to call on, no one that pops in for a cuppa, no one that invites me over for a chat or lunch dates or to get the kids together. My dream, was of me looking out of my childhood bedroom window and watching my best friend having a party with all her family and our neighbourhood friends and I wasnt invited!!now this happened three times in my dream, different parties, still not invited… I guess iv been thinking about it alot lately and how I just feel alone and lost without any friends to call on. Not knowing how to make friends really does make it alot harder….