Oh the anxiety!!

I cant sleep…

It’s been about 2 weeks now and I just cant sleep. Every night I fall asleep on the sofa, I get up go to bed and I am wide awake for the rest of the night, tossing and turning.

Iv tried staying on the sofa, and I do sleep for a few hours then I’m awake, I can’t win…

You see for the passed 9 years iv been a “stay at home mum” or “homemaker” whichever one sounds more glamorous. I was married and had 2 beautiful baby boys to care for and my husband wanted me to stay at home and look after them because he wouldn’t pay for childcare…he wouldn’t pay for anything I needed unless I paid him back…I didnt have a job. So I was stuck, just being mum and wife and no other life of my own for 9 years, until he decided he had had enough and it was time for me to leave…

So fast forward to today, iv battled homelessness with 2 children, no job, no money, got myself a home, built myself back up, have a partner who I believe loves me and adores me…see that’s another thing, BPD, does it make u feel things that arent true, second guess things that your just paranoid about or…does it make you see things that people would normally miss, signs, an Intuitive sense that somethings not right?that’s the problem, we never know, were just told its us and were overly emotional, thinking things up that arent real.

Anyway, 9 years and I have finally got myself a job, the perfect job for me, I have tons of experience, its the perfect hours and its working from home…perfect. Iv had 3 panick attacks in the last 2 weeks and my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t concentrate, I’m forgetting everything, I’m eating way too much. I dont feel nervous about the job just maybe subconsciously feeling overwhelmed by it all…

RUN AWAY!!!

All I want to do is scream and walk away from everything, everyone…I hate being overwhelmed, i can’t handle it, feel like everything is crumbling. Everything is sorted, the kids, money, travel, I have nothing to worry about but already it’s been triggered so I am on self destruct mode. I’m arguing with everyone, shutting myself away, wanting to go out and just drink it all away. I so want to be happy and super excited, I am in a way, being me again, independence, new people, new skills, more money.

Why does anxiety always take away our ability to be the best version of ourselves?

TBC