Iv never been good at relationships, I find it hard to trust people and I’m constantly questioning why someone could love me?Every relationship iv had iv purposely pushed them away or tested them to see how much they really care. Unfortunately that comes part and parcel with BPD and having trust issues from a young age. Iv always seen myself as unlovable, someone who people like but not enough to fight for.
When I split from my husband 3 years ago I felt like I had confirmation that I was a failure, finally divorce papers that proved I was unlovable, I have been trying to prove it to myself all my life and it came true. Then I met my current partner who in the beginning I still believed all those bad things about myself, he didn’t like me, he couldn’t love me, he would leave eventually…its taken 3 years of his constant love, affection and reassurance that that wasn’t true, I could be loved and that he loves me for exactly who I am no matter what, he wasn’t going anywhere.
The funny thing is, the people who bring your barriers down, the ones who lure you in to a false sense of security are always the ones that make you feel the worst about yourself. Can make you feel completely alone, always in the wrong and so easily discarded. All the hardwork and opening up, so quickly undone, and back to being the little girl that no one loves.
lifes struggles 