Tag Archives: bpd

Am I just unlovable?

Iv never been good at relationships, I find it hard to trust people and I’m constantly questioning why someone could love me?Every relationship iv had iv purposely pushed them away or tested them to see how much they really care. Unfortunately that comes part and parcel with BPD and having trust issues from a young age. Iv always seen myself as unlovable, someone who people like but not enough to fight for.

When I split from my husband 3 years ago I felt like I had confirmation that I was a failure, finally divorce papers that proved I was unlovable, I have been trying to prove it to myself all my life and it came true. Then I met my current partner who in the beginning I still believed all those bad things about myself, he didn’t like me, he couldn’t love me, he would leave eventually…its taken 3 years of his constant love, affection and reassurance that that wasn’t true, I could be loved and that he loves me for exactly who I am no matter what, he wasn’t going anywhere.

The funny thing is, the people who bring your barriers down, the ones who lure you in to a false sense of security are always the ones that make you feel the worst about yourself. Can make you feel completely alone, always in the wrong and so easily discarded. All the hardwork and opening up, so quickly undone, and back to being the little girl that no one loves.

Oh the anxiety!!

I cant sleep…

It’s been about 2 weeks now and I just cant sleep. Every night I fall asleep on the sofa, I get up go to bed and I am wide awake for the rest of the night, tossing and turning.

Iv tried staying on the sofa, and I do sleep for a few hours then I’m awake, I can’t win…

You see for the passed 9 years iv been a “stay at home mum” or “homemaker” whichever one sounds more glamorous. I was married and had 2 beautiful baby boys to care for and my husband wanted me to stay at home and look after them because he wouldn’t pay for childcare…he wouldn’t pay for anything I needed unless I paid him back…I didnt have a job. So I was stuck, just being mum and wife and no other life of my own for 9 years, until he decided he had had enough and it was time for me to leave…

So fast forward to today, iv battled homelessness with 2 children, no job, no money, got myself a home, built myself back up, have a partner who I believe loves me and adores me…see that’s another thing, BPD, does it make u feel things that arent true, second guess things that your just paranoid about or…does it make you see things that people would normally miss, signs, an Intuitive sense that somethings not right?that’s the problem, we never know, were just told its us and were overly emotional, thinking things up that arent real.

Anyway, 9 years and I have finally got myself a job, the perfect job for me, I have tons of experience, its the perfect hours and its working from home…perfect. Iv had 3 panick attacks in the last 2 weeks and my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t concentrate, I’m forgetting everything, I’m eating way too much. I dont feel nervous about the job just maybe subconsciously feeling overwhelmed by it all…

RUN AWAY!!!

All I want to do is scream and walk away from everything, everyone…I hate being overwhelmed, i can’t handle it, feel like everything is crumbling. Everything is sorted, the kids, money, travel, I have nothing to worry about but already it’s been triggered so I am on self destruct mode. I’m arguing with everyone, shutting myself away, wanting to go out and just drink it all away. I so want to be happy and super excited, I am in a way, being me again, independence, new people, new skills, more money.

Why does anxiety always take away our ability to be the best version of ourselves?

TBC

Shouldn’t I be used to this by now…

Since I was 13 years old I have always kept a diary…a constant book of thoughts, feelings and emotions that pour out like verbal diarrhoea.

See, like iv mentioned in my last post, iv always found life hard from a very young age, my dad wasnt the easiest of people to be around and my step family often made my life hell and often told me they didnt want me around when I visited. I had two older sisters at home with me and my mum but being 6/7 years older than me they weren’t around much, so I was pretty much a loner most of the time. This is fine, iv always liked my own company, sometimes I feel overwhelmed by people and need my own space and to be alone.

Anyway, diaries, problems, teenage years =lots of books. Fast forward to 2016, when my youngest son was just a year old and became severely ill, vomiting constantly, losing weight, couldnt hold anything down, my cousin took her own life due to a personality disorder that wasnt dealt with, my father decides he no longer wants to be apart of my life and cuts all ties with me and my children and my then husband decides all of this is just to much to handle and can no longer deal with me and my problems all within 3 months…

I lost the plot…badly

Sorry dad, your a grown man, I dont really care what your problem is but I have bigger ones, it’s not like you cared anyway so I cant deal with this at the moment…

I loved my cousin and I know how much she was hurting, I was devastated, she was only 22, we were very similar in alot of ways but I hope she found peace at last. I miss her all the time, and every year that time of year its hard for me, so much happened in so little time.

My son eventually after we almost lost him was finally diagnosed with coeliac disease, and soya and dairy intolerance, he was so malnourished and poorly he nearly didnt make it, but apparently the doctors thought he was fine until we finally went private 🤦🏼‍♀️😞 I slept in hospital for weeks on end and I am thankful everyday for the consultant that eventually helped us and made him the little person he is today…

So, while all of this was going on I was having a mental break down, I was referred to a mental health clinic, where I had to stay and attend sessions for three months, I was finally diagnosed with Border line personality disorder and chronic depression. I have come along way since then, I am thankfully no longer in that relationship but we are still friends for the kids, for a time he made me and the kids homeless when we split and I hated him but I think it made me a stronger person, made me realise just who I needed and wanted to be. I will never forgive him but I forgive myself for all the hurt and emotions I felt at the time, I was grieving a loss of a 10 year relationship, our home and not knowing where me and my 2 children were going next.

Now we have a lovely home, I met the most amazing man, who I honestly sometimes cant believe I found, he is truly one in a million, and I have started work that I love doing…my life has been a constant battle of ups and down and highs and lows and i have over come them all, by myself. I like to think I’m strong, sometimes I dont think I am and I feel so close to giving up but I just have to remember how far iv come and that my children are my inspiration to be the best person I can be…whatever that may be?

I suppose this is one way when I’m up all night with insomnia searching in the dark for a book to write in, at least I can see what I’m writing and share my thoughts and feelings with possibly like minded people, who might actually enjoy reading my ramblings of nonsense, even if it gives you something to do if your wide awake in the middle of the night like me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lost…

Iv always known I was different, the painfully shy child growing up, awkward, not knowing how to talk to people. My dad would say I was rude and tell me off, tell my mum I was difficult, but he had no idea how much it hurt, how hard it actually was.

I made a handful of friends growing up through school, as you do, although I’m not sure how, I think it was mostly because my mum knew their parents so we became friends, but in high school It was still hard. This is not for sympathy, I genuinely do not know how to make friends, even now??

That brings me to why I’m writing this in the first place…it woke me up, a dream that has been playing in my head all night…I have a handful of ‘friends’, said friends that I made when I was young, but iv never felt so lonely, so unwanted as I have done in the last year. Iv always been the “outspoken” friend the one who tells it how it is, so I get it, I can be difficult at times. I was worse when I was younger but since iv had kids and been with my current partner, I know I’m different. Iv grown, iv changed, I’m happy. I have no one to call on, no one that pops in for a cuppa, no one that invites me over for a chat or lunch dates or to get the kids together. My dream, was of me looking out of my childhood bedroom window and watching my best friend having a party with all her family and our neighbourhood friends and I wasnt invited!!now this happened three times in my dream, different parties, still not invited… I guess iv been thinking about it alot lately and how I just feel alone and lost without any friends to call on. Not knowing how to make friends really does make it alot harder….