Tag Archives: friends

Where are all my people?

When your young friends come so easily…or do they?

Iv had the same friends since I was in primary school, I made a few new friends in High school probably through my friends, not by myself…and after high school those new friends have faded and disappeared and I’m back to the couple of friends I had in primary school…

Iv always found making friends hard, talking to people, knowing what to say, not knowing what to say, and making sure I’m saying the right thing to the right person so they don’t run away and think I’m a total weirdo…But it never works out, I am who I am and whatever I’m doing is still not keeping friends or keeping them interested enough for them to want to stay…I’m brutally honest and truthful. I’ll be your friend to the end and I’ll be there when you need me but if you want me to lie to you or for you then your asking the wrong person. I say it how it is, I don’t like injustice and people who take advantage. Is that the wrong combination for being a good friend?

You realise you have no friends when your standing alone in a bar drinking and no one wants to join you…your friends are always busy and even when you do meet up, it seems they are more interested in looking at their phone and clock watching then actually spending time with you. What happens to us when we have children?you would think when you and your friends have children at the same time you would all understand what situation your in and stick together?yet it seems you split further and further apart and become and some sort of recluse and when you do get a chance to finally become a human for the night there’s no one there to enjoy it with? Your partner can only do so much, but they should not have to be your everything. I don’t expect him to be, but why is it so hard and why am I so hard to like?

Life certainly is a struggle…

Growing up as you know has been a struggle, it’s been tough, iv hard hardships. Everyone has problems, it could of been worse but it definitely could of been better. Iv worked my arse off the last few years to become the person I am now, I am aware of my flaws, my insecurities. I analyse every detail of my life to make sure I am being a good person, doing the best I can for the people around me, my kids, my partner, my family…

I haven’t spoken to my dad in 7 years, he wasn’t the best dad and is mostly the reason I am who I am today, with abit of my mum sprinkled in for good measure. The insecure, anxiety ridden mess who has a world of issues. Going in and out of therapy, possible BPD and now I am being assessed for ADHD and autism because life is just too hard. How can someone who tries so hard always get it so wrong? It seems the people in my life just don’t see me as important as I see them and feel I am a disposable.

I’m not sure what I expect out of life, I’m not sure why I am here or what I am meant to do or be. I do the best for my children but other than that, people and life are just too much. People are too hard to read, to difficult to connect with and it means life is often very lonely. I do not trust anyone but myself, and thats probably why it’s hard to let anyone in but everytime I do, I get hurt and I just don’t have it in me to do that again. I just want to let go and enjoy life, be amongst people and enjoy the little things, but I fear I am asking for too much??

Wouldn’t you want to be loved for who you are completely and to be able to trust that…

Lost…

Iv always known I was different, the painfully shy child growing up, awkward, not knowing how to talk to people. My dad would say I was rude and tell me off, tell my mum I was difficult, but he had no idea how much it hurt, how hard it actually was.

I made a handful of friends growing up through school, as you do, although I’m not sure how, I think it was mostly because my mum knew their parents so we became friends, but in high school It was still hard. This is not for sympathy, I genuinely do not know how to make friends, even now??

That brings me to why I’m writing this in the first place…it woke me up, a dream that has been playing in my head all night…I have a handful of ‘friends’, said friends that I made when I was young, but iv never felt so lonely, so unwanted as I have done in the last year. Iv always been the “outspoken” friend the one who tells it how it is, so I get it, I can be difficult at times. I was worse when I was younger but since iv had kids and been with my current partner, I know I’m different. Iv grown, iv changed, I’m happy. I have no one to call on, no one that pops in for a cuppa, no one that invites me over for a chat or lunch dates or to get the kids together. My dream, was of me looking out of my childhood bedroom window and watching my best friend having a party with all her family and our neighbourhood friends and I wasnt invited!!now this happened three times in my dream, different parties, still not invited… I guess iv been thinking about it alot lately and how I just feel alone and lost without any friends to call on. Not knowing how to make friends really does make it alot harder….